Engage Her: Activating Women and MultiCultural Communities

In my role as a group facilitator and mediator who pays close attention to diversity matters, I have often found that people disagree with or become offended by something that has not been either said or meant.  That is, even before they know what the other person is saying or intending to say, they interpret it in some fashion and have a negative reaction to it.

Of course, just like in the case of religion, politics or other topics that are rooted in deep values, talking about diversity matters frequently winds up being a very sensitive endeavor.  Engrained in past experiences of exclusion or sometimes outright racism or sexism, it makes plenty of sense that people recurrently become very emotional.  However, in and of itself, that is not the problem.  What complicates dialogues about diversity matters is a common tendency of loading our own negative interpretations to what others are saying, meaning or even doing—and not knowing the difference!

For instance, someone describing a scene about interacting with people of a different gender, culture or any other diversity aspect.  While they are describing what their experience was, and before they made any value judgment about it, they are often blamed for being “racist”, “sexist” or otherwise intolerant.   Of course, the result is a shut down in communication and any real interaction across cultures, of any type, is missed.  Everyone is to lose in such scenarios.  

In a recent trip to South America, I heard Chileans describing North Americans as being “less emotionally expressive than South Americans”.  That, in and of itself is a fair enough description of differences.  A judgment, however, would have been if “being less emotionally expressive” was somehow interpreted as “not caring or caring less about what was happening” at this fairly emotionally charged event.  The first one was a description, the second would have been an interpretation.

Food for thought:  A trick that I have found helpful to me and my clients is the old virtue of curiosity and its ancient wisdom.  It goes like this:  “when confronted with something that triggers a reaction in you, hold on to your interpretation (as it is rich in information about you) and become genuinely curious!”  Just like for me and for my clients, it is my hope that by finding out more about what the other person is saying that you will not only gain insight as to what their perspective is, but that you may further learn about your own point of view.  Remember to distinguish what is being described from what you are making of it.  Both are valid, just refrain from mixing them up.  And, yes, becoming offended is often a personal choice.